Brutally Honest

So yeah, this blog originally started out as a Tumblr blog where I would write about my thoughts, most of them were to be depressing at the time. Some of the original posts WERE very depressing. I got better over time, and I guess, I learned to not write so much about that stuff but write about more interesting things to other people so other people would actually be interested in this.

Guess I should warn you about this post. It’s depressing and contains the truth about some things. I figured if I be completely, brutally truthful to myself about myself then maybe i’ll feel better.. or feel something. If you don’t like it, just disregard this post.

Also, this post isn’t meant to be aimed at anyone. Take everything I say with a grain of salt. If you think Its a direct comment twords you, it’s not so get over it.

So, to put it straight out their, I’m lonely.

Been thinking about my friends lately, and I just described it to a friend of mine, so here’s basically what I said: “My whole life is based on intangable relationships. My best friends are my online friends who I’ve never met in real life. My entire social circle except for a very select few people in my real life are all online. I barely connect with anyone at school, and when I do it’s barely a friendship that last’s. I sit home almost all day, all the time. “

My friend asked why I don;t make friends at school or nearby towns. I replied:

“I have a lot of friends in different towns and at school. Most at school are all part of different social circles/groups and those groups don’t include me. It’s more of the “I’m their when they need someone friend” or “we’re just acquaintances”. Friends out side of school? I never see them, rarely ever, if at all. Makes it basically the same concept as my online friends. Intangable”

My friend went on to say I should join a club at school or get involved with a sport. She said that’s a good way to meet people who wouldn’t be that kind of friend. I replied:

“Frankly, I’ve had such bad luck with friends in the past that I’m scared to branch out. I’m afraid of getting hurt again just like the many times before.”

I think she’s fallen asleep so I’ll just continue the conversation by myself! Next thing I said:

“Want to know why I’m jealous of you and Mariah (That’s her best friend.. They have the coolest and closest relationship I’ve seen.), and really any other friendship that’s good/close?

The answer to that is a simple, yet scary one. My best friend/friends who I hang out with every day, and I’m just as close to them if not closer than my friend and Mariah are are online. I’ve never met them. I don’t get to walk around school with them, laughing and carrying on. I don’t get to hug/brofist them every day when I get to school. And frankly, one day, they’ll be gone. My friend and Mariah go to the same school, they see each other every day. When my friends disappear for one reason or another, that’s it. If they decide to go/the online stuff we have fades away (as I’ve seen many times before) that’s it. When they’re gone, they’re gone. That scares me to death. It’s such an intangible friendship, and one day, it will be gone.

Might as well say this now, I’m not moving to DC. I’ll explain in a later post but that’s it. Know what I saw in the move? A new place to start. A new place to make new friends. A new place to start a new beginning, to start a better beginning. Now what? I get to go to county here where nothing will change. I’ll continue to sit here and have my intangible friendships, if they even last that long.

There is, of course, another part to this. Some of my friends know what I thrive on relationships. Why? Simply put, it’s the connection. I like being able to be close with someone. To have something that’s an actual, tangible relationship. A relationship puts something in my life that a friendship can’t (well, hasn’t been able to so far) give me. I guess.. I guess I just want to be able to do thing’s like walk into school and see the girl I’m dating, call her beautiful, hug and kiss her and tell her I love her. To know that she’ll be there for me no matter what. Oh well.

I wish things were different. I wish I had never done half of what I’ve done in my past and that the future looked better than it, in reality, does.

Is It really so much to ask for a friend that doesn’t mak me scared about loosing them every time I even think about out friendship. Is it so much to ask for a girl that I can just love? Apparently it is.

~ Jackson

 

The Incurable Tragedy: Recovery One (Part Two)

To be quite honest, I don’t think I’ve had a better night of sleep that I did that night. Okay, one other time I can think of (My second surgery). I don’t really know why the sleep that night was so good but it just was. I slept like a baby and no one woke me up till like 9 the next day.

The next day was mostly a learning process. More or less a learning and resting process. I had to learn new stuff like when the meals came, how to operate the TV, where things were in my room and all that. I got to do a lot of resting too. I spent most of the first day just hanging out in bed. Lucky for me, the hospital’s TV had my favorite TV channel, USA. I watched Psyche, Monk, and House almost all day. I listened to some music too and talked with my Mom and Dad while they were there.

A few of my friends came to visit me. Well, just two of them, Nicole and Jaelin. I’m not actually friends with either of them any more. No real reason why, we just grew apart I guess. Anyway, they came and visited me for like 30 minutes or so. I remember they brought me a balloon too. My friend Nick came by too and stayed for a little. These visits stick out in my mind because I really liked having my friends come by. I kind of wish more of them did come by at the time.

A lot of my day involved me walking around. I didn’t just want to sit in my bed all day and do nothing. They told me I could walk around the children wing, and so I did. I remember they had this room that looked out onto the outside of the hospital. I walked over there, looked out, and it was snowing like crazy. It was such a beautiful sight at the time I just stayed there for 10 minutes watching it snow. Was very peaceful.

The other thing that sticks out in my mind about that day is the fact that I was CONSTANTLY on my phone. Between the emails from every relative on earth to all of my friends checking up on me I hardly had time to do anything else. It was nice though, and brought a good feeling. It’s always nice to know that there are people out there that care about you and your well being.

Anyway, through the day I got constant visits from my doctors interns that were running around the hospital. At one point I even think my two doctors came in to check up on me. At one point he said I would be out of the hospital some time during the next day. This was awesome news since we were expecting me to be in the hospital for quite a few days.

Dinner that night was awesome! Why? Because I could actually eat! That meal was the first real meal I had had in a few months and it was awesome.

The day ended and I went to sleep. Twas another good night of sleep if I recall.

The next day I woke up to my Mom and Dad talking to my doctor. Just as I was coming awake I saw him leaving. My mom then told me that the doctor gave us the all clear and we could leave and go home! I got up, got dressed, got my IV taken out and it was done. Time to go home! They said it was  Hospital regulation to take me out of the hospital in a wheelchair so I let them. We got downstairs, I got in the car, and off we went. Finally, time to go home and rest.

Never Take Friendship Personal

So, I think the way I approach friendship with the people I care about is… very strange and I wanted to write about it. Yeah, yeah, I know I haven’t been the greatest friend to some people and bla bla whatever. If you disagree with this, think i’m contradicting or whatever then tough. Now, to the post, shall we?

I feel like if I could describe my friendship in one word it would be “Background”.Why Background? Well I feel like I’m the background friend. I don’t text my friends all the time, don’t hangout with them all the time, but sure as hell if they need someone I’ll be there. In fact, I think I know some of my friends better than the people that hang out with them all the time know them.

I mean, sure, we all hang out with our friends, talk to them, walk with them and all that but that’s not how I define being a friend. Basically I would define friendship as this: “Someone who is there for you when you really need them, no matter what.” It’s basically someone who will put in that extra effort to be there for you when you really need someone. Weither that be a hug, a text, a helping hand, or whatever, I think it’s going out of your way to be there when they need it. Ill give you two good examples of this.

My friend Mariah. We talk from time to time but not all day every day. She’s been having some family trouble back at home with a recent divorce and all that. I saw her tweet something about it the other day, saying how she doesn’t think she can do it and pick the person she want’s to live with. Well, you BETTER believe the second I saw that tweet I was texting her making sure she was okay. I don’t remember what I was doing but I stopped it so I could talk to her about what was going on.

(See, even right now, I have to stop writing for a little. Why? My friend Danielle need’s me to print her college essay thing! Stopping what I’m doing to help out friends.. YEAH! And there I go, stopping again to give advice to my friend Niki.. It’s funny how my friends choose NOW to reach out for advice or printing papers )

Come to think of it, I almost always drop what I’m doing to help a friend out or even not-a-friend. Not a friend? Yeah, I’ve actually messaged people on facebook/twitter who have had depressing status’s before to reach out to them. Same deal as with my friends, I drop what I’m doing to help them.

I don’t know, I guess I’m weird. I started thinking about this and I guess it kind of goes back to when I was depressed and bullied in middle school. I guess my theory on why I drop everything to help friends is:  No one should be upset and going through something hard without having someone there to guide them through it, weather that be simple advice, or holding there hand till they make it through. Everyone deserves attention in time of sadness or distress.

~ Jackson

The Unforgettables: Strawberry Milk

Okay, so I was thinking the other day and I had this idea. Basically, its writing posts about people who, in the last 3-4 years, have made a HUGE impact in my life. Someone who is.. well.. unforgettable! Someone who, 50 years down the road, ill still be thinking about the memories we shared. Now, part of this includes writing a lot about them and the memories we shared without including their name. Some of you will, of course, know who I’m talking about by the things I talk about in the post. Some of you won’t. Don’t ask me who it is, because it’s supposed to be a secret. I, of course, will tell the person/people the post is about since it’s about them.

So, the first person I wanted to talk about is someone who, in the last year has made more of an impact on my life than anyone. Hand’s down. I met her in November of last year (Holy crap, I’ve known her for almost a year now O.O). I saw her comment on another friend of mine’s status on facebook. She said something cleaver in the status so I was like “Well, she’s cute, and that was cleaver so im gonna add her!” Well, I did and I think she accepted me the next day. I’ll never forget this.. I was with an old friend of mine in Zumiez in the mall around here and I got a facebook notification on my phone. Bam, it was her. She said something along the lines of “Hey! Do I know you?! “. I immediately thought ‘Shit, I need to say something cleaver back!” so I said “Of course you do ;D whatsup?” and from then on we started talking. That led into one of the coolest and most inspirational friendship’s I’ve ever had.

Around that time I was still sick and about to head into the hospital in the coming month to get a feeding tube put in and have another surgery. I was having a lot of trouble with a multitude of fiends at the time so that, of course, didnt make thing’s better. Anyway, this girl and I started talking and we got close. We talked all day, every day and honestly that’s exactly what I needed at the time.

One day she was like “we should webcam!” and I’m like fuck my life, I look like crap and this is such a bad idea. I did it anyway, of course, on a day that I was extremely sick. I still remember that day too. Sitting on my bed with my laptop, in my white long sleeve shirt, practically dying from being sick and being nervous about being on web cam with her. All went well anyway.

Anyway, surgery time came along quick. Was I scared? Of course. I remember going into the hospital that day, texting her of course, and I told her it was time for me to go cause they were calling me back. We texted a few more times and I went back. When i was awake I could barely text her because of the pain, so I told her I was just going to bed. The text she sent to me after that was one of the most amazing text’s i’ve ever gotten. It said: “sleep all you have to sweetheart. i dont want you in pain. i love you too. g’night. <3″ That text just made everything better.

I spent most of that winter non stop to her. We webcamed A LOT. Hung out a few times at the Rockaway mall and had some great memories there. Honestly, I could write pages and pages about how amazing our memories we shared are or all of the amazing thing’s shes done for me but I don’t want to drag this on forever.

So, why is this girl so unforgettable? Well, she doesn’t know this but when she came into my life I was having trouble with deep depression and to be honest, I don’t know if I’d be here today if it wasn’t for her. Honestly, I look up to her so much. She has such a troubled life at home, but she never lets that stop her. She’s always smiling and would go out of her way to help a friend in need. I can’t text her or talk to her for more than two minutes without smiling.

She’s taught me so much about myself.She is one of those people who see’s the real you. You don’t have to show the real you, because she will see it anyway and will never let you forget how amazing the real you is. She is one of the most inspiring people I know.

Honestly, I hope she never EVER leaves my life. She’s been the most important part of my life in the last year and I know I couldn’t have made it without her. Thank you. <3

Oh, you’re probably wondering why this post is called Strawberry Milk. Well, it was her that got me addicted to drinking strawberry milk, and whenever I do drink it, i always think of her. I thought it was fitting. Also, I’m drinking some right now.

The Incurable Tragedy: Recovery One

So, I know it’s been a LONG time since I’ve written an Incurable Tragedy post but were back! I had to actually go and look at the last post I wrote to figure out where I left off and it might be a good idea for you to do the same, as a refresher. I want to complete the 10 part series in the next few months, wrapping up with the final post on December 22 because that’s the one year anniversary of me being healthy! In the meantime I have another series of posts called “The Unforgettable” which I should start to work on soon. Anyway, back to the story!

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Just like someone had switched a light on I was awake! The surgery was over! I think the first thing I thought to myself was “Well… I’m alive… That’s good.” I remember specifically waking up in the recovery wing of the hospital to my parents talking over me. Mom on the left, Dad on the right. What they were talking about, I have no clue. I also remember waking up for a brief minute and my parents telling me to go back to sleep, so I did. Before I knew it I was again being pulled out of dream world, why? Because it was time to go to the children’s wing of the hospital to my room. Again, I thought to myself “Everything must have gone well since I’m not being kept in recovery”.

The nurse rolled me down the hallway, made about 4 or 5 turns and there we were, in the children’s wing. At some point between being woken up and making it to the children’s wing I realized I had a tube in my nose. I don’t recall anyone telling me that that would have been the case when I came out of surgery so it came as a surprise to me. A very.. unpleasant surprise. When the nurse was wheeling me to my room, at some point, I decided to poke the tube. I don’t really remember why, but I poked it! She saw me do that and said something about it had to be there to make sure I wasn’t bleeding anywhere inside myself.

Finally, we were at my room! I was kind of excited to see my room since I had no idea what to expect. It was nice. Come to think of it, I was impressed with how nice the whole children’s wing looked. There were places for two people in my room, a bed closer to the wall and a bed closer to the door. Apparently, someone else took up the other bed. I came to find out that the kid who was in the bed next to me was the same age as me, and was really injured because he got hit by a car. I also remember seeing his family, friends, and I think his girlfriend go in and out of the room a few times. His parents stayed around a lot, and the few times they said something to us they were nice.

Anyway, I didn’t get out of my bed that first day. I basically slept to be honest, since the tube I had in my nose hurt.. A LOT. I didn’t really know when I was even going to get it out until one of the resident’s of my doctor came in and told me we had to go get a test done to make sure everything was okay down below so I could get that tube out. Well, I did the test and went back to the room. A while later I woke up to my surgeon coming into the room saying it was time to take the tube out. He walked over beside my bed where the tube was connected to the wall and BAM! He yanked that thing out of me so fast I hardly felt it. Let me tell you.. There is NO greater feeling that I’ve experienced than getting that tube taken out. It’s such a relief! After he took it out he left, and I told my dad to get my iPod since I wanted to actually do something instead of sleep. I grabbed it, turned it on, and put on a song called Follow Me by a band called Pain. The link is right there… Listen to it. It made that moment feel perfect because it’s such an upbeat song.

After a while of listening to music and watching a little TV I decided it was time for me to go to sleep, so to sleep I went!

~ Jackson

Leave It As It Is

Dear World,

So I know I haven’t written in a while. Sadly, I’ve been busy with the start of school and what not so posts will still be coming.. just slower. I just wanted to write tonight about school starting and how i’ve been feeling lately.

Disclaimer: I write how I feel. I write what my brain says. If you don’t like how, or what, I write then that sucks. This isn’t a post complaining about my life or depression or whatever, so don’t think it is. I’m sorry, but writing for me is therapeutic so, I’m going to write how I feel.

Now, School has started this year again and I’m a senior! That means I get to get out of school early, be the “bog dog” on campus, and get an easy year. My schedule this year is cake. Two actual achedemic classes, 3 electives, a math help class, and a study. Pretty easy, eh?

Some other things have been going on lately that I wanted to talk about more than school because frankly school is boring. It has more about how I’ve been feeling so here goes.

I am NOT the same person I am at camp and at school and it shows. I still, to this day, have no idea why I am 100000 times more shy at school than at camp. I’m completely myself at camp, but at school I’m totally the shy kid in the class who barely talkes. I mean, sure, sometimes I’ll talk with people but I’m generally shy and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just a different place and a different mindset? I don’t know.

I feel left out and disconnected in a big sense of the word. I know I’ve written about this before but I wanted to talk about it again. I was looking around on my facebook today and went to poke my friend Julia and noticed her default changed. It’s a picture of her and her best friend, Mariah, kinda like hugging with their arms around each other. That picture sparked this though which I posted on twitter: “

True Fact: I’m really jealous of people who have best friends that they do everything with and have an amazing friendship with.”

It’s true.. I’m jealous of their friendship. I’ll say it straight up, I am. Their friendship is one where they are basically constantly with each other. I know they always have fun together and all that. It’s like that friendship you have with someone who you would just consider a brother or sister because there THAT close to you. Well, I’m jealous because I don’t feel like Ive ever had one of those friendships before. Sure, I have friends, a lot of them are close friendships, but nothing like the friendship they have. I envy their friendship in a way. Sure, my online friends are /awesome/ and I love them dearly, but It’s not the same as actually having a friend there in front of you, hanging out with you. I kind of feel like I don’t really even have a group of friends I can chill with, but I want to (and am going to try to) change this very soon.

I’ve noticed that love is back in the air once again among the friends I do have. My friend Mike has a new girlfriend (Mike, if you read this you two are a cute couple ), my friend Niki is most likely going to be in a relationship soon as well as my friend Kenny who has a new girl who, from what I’ve seen of her, is very nice. So, where does that leave me? No where.. Which brings me to the next thing I wanted to write about. I feel like all my friends are slowly drifting into relationships again and, as usual, I’m kind of just here.

I don’t know why, but for the past 5 months or so I’ve been happy. Genuinely happy with life and the things going on. Up until a few days ago I felt that way. I guess I realized all my friends were getting girlfriends and what not, and I’m stuck here, once again being single.

I’ve always wanted to write this, so I’m going to do it: I’ve always wondered why? I mean, I walk around school all day seeing girls go for the guys that call her hot instead of beautiful and I wonder why? I wonder why I’ve had such bad luck with girl’s in the past. Is it so much to ask for a long lasting relationship with a gorgeous girl? I mean, I look around class all the time and think “Good god, shes gorgeous! I wish I could have a girlfriend like that, so I could call her gorgeous every day” but that must be to much, because it’s yet to happen. I just want a long lasting relationship with a beautiful girl who will love me as much as I love her, but apparently that’s too much to ask for. It hurts. That’s all I want in life, just someone to love.

It’s funny, I thought I was passed all these feelings of “feeling left out friend wise” and “feeling left out girl wise”. I really thought it was all over and that this year was actually going to be a less depressing year. It appears that I was wrong.

I could write more about this tonight, but my thoughts are all over the place so I’m going to just leave it as it is.

~ Jackson

Goodbye Summer 2010

Dear World,

So, tomorrow is the first day back to school which means summer is officially over. As I’ve said in post’s before I feel like certain events in my life mark chapters in my life. I like to separate my life into two chapters per year. School and Summer chapters. I feel like the summer chapter is closing, and I wanted to kind of sum up how it went.

This summer has been really fun, to be honest. Not the best summer of my life, but its high up on the list. Sure, there were a lot of things I wanted to do that didn’t get done, but whatever. Camp this year was awesome, as always. I got closer to my friend Kayla, and met some new people who I really want to keep in my life, because they’re awesome people and always inspire me. Of course, memories were made at camp, just like all the year’s past, but those memories wont be forgotten.

I feel like I’m going into this year of school with a lot more confidence that I had in prior years. Honestly, I don’t know why I feel like this but I do. It’s that “i can conquer the world” feeling that I’m feeling. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m gaining my normal look back (as opposed to the sick look i had in prior years). Maybe I’m just learning to accept who I am, and not worry about what everyone else things. Even though I say I don’t care about what people think, I know I do.

I went to Alaska this summer for the second time! That was really fun too and I’m glad I got to go.

I’ve been able to eat thing summer. Doesn’t sound like a big deal to you, right? Well, after spending a year and a half barely being able to eat, being healthy for this long is a HUGE deal to me.

One thing I wanted to talk about was how I feel about the upcoming year. I guess I feel scared and worried and curious. Scared cause I don’t want to loose people in my life who I love, worried about my health, and curious about how the year will go. Looking back on previous years so many different things have happened that I’m so curious about how this years going to go and what will happen. How knows! I guess the uncertainty of things bother’s me sometimes.

Anyway, time to close this chapter of my life, and move on to senior year. Goodbye Summer 2010. You’ve treated me well. <3

~ Jackson