So yeah, this blog originally started out as a Tumblr blog where I would write about my thoughts, most of them were to be depressing at the time. Some of the original posts WERE very depressing. I got better over time, and I guess, I learned to not write so much about that stuff but write about more interesting things to other people so other people would actually be interested in this.
Guess I should warn you about this post. It’s depressing and contains the truth about some things. I figured if I be completely, brutally truthful to myself about myself then maybe i’ll feel better.. or feel something. If you don’t like it, just disregard this post.
Also, this post isn’t meant to be aimed at anyone. Take everything I say with a grain of salt. If you think Its a direct comment twords you, it’s not so get over it.
So, to put it straight out their, I’m lonely.
Been thinking about my friends lately, and I just described it to a friend of mine, so here’s basically what I said: “My whole life is based on intangable relationships. My best friends are my online friends who I’ve never met in real life. My entire social circle except for a very select few people in my real life are all online. I barely connect with anyone at school, and when I do it’s barely a friendship that last’s. I sit home almost all day, all the time. “
My friend asked why I don;t make friends at school or nearby towns. I replied:
“I have a lot of friends in different towns and at school. Most at school are all part of different social circles/groups and those groups don’t include me. It’s more of the “I’m their when they need someone friend” or “we’re just acquaintances”. Friends out side of school? I never see them, rarely ever, if at all. Makes it basically the same concept as my online friends. Intangable”
My friend went on to say I should join a club at school or get involved with a sport. She said that’s a good way to meet people who wouldn’t be that kind of friend. I replied:
“Frankly, I’ve had such bad luck with friends in the past that I’m scared to branch out. I’m afraid of getting hurt again just like the many times before.”
I think she’s fallen asleep so I’ll just continue the conversation by myself! Next thing I said:
“Want to know why I’m jealous of you and Mariah (That’s her best friend.. They have the coolest and closest relationship I’ve seen.), and really any other friendship that’s good/close?
The answer to that is a simple, yet scary one. My best friend/friends who I hang out with every day, and I’m just as close to them if not closer than my friend and Mariah are are online. I’ve never met them. I don’t get to walk around school with them, laughing and carrying on. I don’t get to hug/brofist them every day when I get to school. And frankly, one day, they’ll be gone. My friend and Mariah go to the same school, they see each other every day. When my friends disappear for one reason or another, that’s it. If they decide to go/the online stuff we have fades away (as I’ve seen many times before) that’s it. When they’re gone, they’re gone. That scares me to death. It’s such an intangible friendship, and one day, it will be gone.
Might as well say this now, I’m not moving to DC. I’ll explain in a later post but that’s it. Know what I saw in the move? A new place to start. A new place to make new friends. A new place to start a new beginning, to start a better beginning. Now what? I get to go to county here where nothing will change. I’ll continue to sit here and have my intangible friendships, if they even last that long.
There is, of course, another part to this. Some of my friends know what I thrive on relationships. Why? Simply put, it’s the connection. I like being able to be close with someone. To have something that’s an actual, tangible relationship. A relationship puts something in my life that a friendship can’t (well, hasn’t been able to so far) give me. I guess.. I guess I just want to be able to do thing’s like walk into school and see the girl I’m dating, call her beautiful, hug and kiss her and tell her I love her. To know that she’ll be there for me no matter what. Oh well.
I wish things were different. I wish I had never done half of what I’ve done in my past and that the future looked better than it, in reality, does.
Is It really so much to ask for a friend that doesn’t mak me scared about loosing them every time I even think about out friendship. Is it so much to ask for a girl that I can just love? Apparently it is.